quick update + VENT
Today I’m either 7 or 8 days past ovulation (DPO), depending on which app I check out or which temp I entered for cycle day 17 (I took my temp twice that morning). Either way, the madness that has blissfully evaded me for most of this cycle has returned and I’m finding it difficult to resist the urge to test every time I use the bathroom. More importantly, I have so much OTHER stuff that needs to be done that it seems ridiculous to even be taking the time to write this update post.
For most of the two week wait (TWW) so far, I have been (physically) feeling like I do every cycle. There have been a few variations but nothing yet that would indicate this cycle will end in a positive pregnancy test. Honestly, I think a bit of cynicism has crept into my thoughts and I’m feeling much less hopeful today. Much more so than I have at any other point in this process.
I feel like … I’m over it.
I always found it funny when I was a kid and didn’t eat dinner and my mom would say “kids in Africa are starving”. I remember thinking, “so?”. My 10 year old mind couldn’t make sense of my mom’s puzzling attempt to teach me gratitude by emphasizing the plight of suffering children on a continent far, far away. All I knew was that I didn’t like peas and the kids in Africa could have mine, since they were starving and all. Now that I’m older, I totally understand the idea of gratitude and, really, me not being able to conceive after “only” 9 cycles is, what my kids would term, a “first world problem”. I get it.
I get that I should be grateful because I have 4 children already. Healthy, happy children at that. I get that it hasn’t even been a year of trying to conceive (TTC) and there are couples who have been trying for, like, a decade to have their first child. I get it.
But, similar to the “starving kids in Africa” analogy, how does anyone else’s problems conceiving change how I am feeling right now about my own journey? Why should it make me feel less discouraged or frustrated? And, the crazy thing is, you would think I’m frustrated with God for not “answering my prayers” yet or whatever but, really, I’m discouraged and frustrated with MYSELF for how I am handling this journey.
Why do I obsess the way that I do? Why can’t I focus on anything else, even when things are falling apart around me (financially)? Why can’t I just be a normal person with normal thoughts and normal actions like waiting until I miss my period to take a pregnancy test? Or focusing on furthering my education in my field instead of poring over studies of how to increase implantation success at a “advanced maternal age”?
Why am I finding it so hard to stay rooted in my faith during my TWW? This is actually a realization I had while driving a few days ago – I don’t pray nearly as much during my TWW as I do once my period (and a new cycle) starts. I don’t make time to be with the Lord or to do bible study and I think that’s a bad thing for my spirit and my overall mood/morale (the irony is that I have a set of scriptures I put together specifically to get me through the TWW!)
Another thought I had that same day was that I keep seeing our TTC journey as a “distraction” from what I think I “should” be doing (working on my rehab personal training business) but, maybe just maybe, everything that is coming out of this TTC journey is part of God’s purpose and plan for my life.
Either way, today is tough. At least, right now in this moment, it is. I’m emotional, my brain is foggy (I gave up caffeine – again) and I’m using this platform to communicate because I know that somewhere in the world another woman is feeling the exact same way I do right now and, if you are her, I just want you to know that it’s ok! You’re Ok! You will get through this. Whatever happens, things will work out the way they are supposed to and it may not look like what you expect it to. You’re Ok! I’m Ok, too.
And, girl, we will be just fine.