Day one. Numero uno. Here. we. go. again… Sigh.
I recently listened to one of my favorite pastors preach that it is possible to have faith and be worried at the same time; that faith doesn’t cancel out doubt. He quoted something like “faith doesn’t mean the absence of doubt”. I remember thinking, huh? Does the bible not say, over and over again, that we cannot say we trust God and then be worried at the same time? We are instructed to not be anxious, to trust God, to believe we have what we ask of Him (even before we receive it). Jesus asks us, in Matthew chapter 6, why we worry if we know we have God on our side. So, the absence of doubt is what faith actually is… right?
I have no doubt we will get pregnant IF that is what God wills for us. I say “if” because, well, how do I know what God has willed for us regarding a baby? I don’t. I have absolutely no idea if bearing a child at the ripe age of 44 is in God’s plan for me. I know I want it. I know my hubs wants it but that is all I know.
This 8th cycle is coming in at the beginning of our 7th month of trying for a baby. The standard is that, after age 35, if we haven’t conceived in 6 months, we should see a doctor for testing and things. We have conceived, though. Twice. Both ended in miscarriage. And, I read somewhere that because we’ve had two back-to-back miscarriages, we should see a doctor for testing and things. As much as I want to have a baby, I’m not ready to take that step yet. Especially because my health insurance doesn’t cover ANY type of fertility testing or treatments (medications, procedures, etc.) Fertility treatment isn’t an option for us, anyway, for personal reasons.
I am super ambivalent today. Feeling a lot of things and nothing. I vacillate between wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and wanting to bury my head in the sand.
I promised myself I would do something more productive in this cycle than I have during the last two. So, right now, that equates to posting my thoughts here and making a short vlog, daily. Yet, at the same time, I am strongly moved to ease up/fall back on the attention I’m giving this TTC journey. I want to have a month – 30 days – of not thinking about the process or tracking or watching videos or reading about fertility or planning our intimacy around my fertile week. But, realistically, that’s improbable because my brain doesn’t work that way. And because I can’t stop thinking about my 44 year old eggs that get older with each passing cycle… !
What makes more sense is to scale back on the daily habits I’ve developed during the journey (i.e., obsessively looking at my apps and TTC videos on YouTube) and to process my emotions and feeling through prayer, Bible study, this blog and vlogs. This cycle, I want to spend more time with the Lord and get back into my Self. I have been feeling somewhat lost in this process; I’m less joyful and optimistic lately. I want to return to a hopeful and joyful expectation to receive God’s blessings for me and my family, whatever they may be.
Today, I claim freedom from the bondage of worry, doubt and fear in my TTC journey. In Jesus’ name. Amen.