baby, mom life, patience, pregnancy, ttc

Focused on the wrong things.

Cycle Day 25 of TTC Cycle 7 – 10 DPO

Every time I sit down to write about how I’m feeling, I panic. I immediately feel flooded with emotions and the thoughts come fast, furiously piling on top of each other, fighting for dominance. I get overwhelmed with the idea of trying to “catch” a thought and write it down before it is stampeded by another thought, and then another and so on. So, I just don’t write anything at all.

And that is how an entire month has gone by without me posting an update to this blog, which, ironically, I started to keep me accountable and consistent as I document our natural journey to conceive a baby at the “advanced” age of 44.

My last two cycles have been especially difficult on my mental health. The good Lord is my only comfort. I rest securely in His promise that His strength is made perfect in my weakness. Goodness knows, I have felt incredibly weak during these last 2 cycles. I have felt like giving up the idea of having a baby. I’ve given in to the irrational, compulsive urge to pee on so many pregnancy tests, too many, way before there would be any chance of my actually being pregnant. It feels like desperation. It feels like I cannot control my actions. I am ready to have my mind back. I am ready to get back to going hard in the gym. I am ready to not be tracking my cycles or timing our intercourse (which wasn’t actually a necessity until last cycle). Yet, I know that I am NOT ready to truly give up the idea of having another baby.

In my mind, the only logical answer would be to “stop trying”. To just put away the tracking apps, the thermometer and the OPKs and just “go with the flow” and “whatever happens, happens”. But, somehow, though, I think I would be MORE stressed if I didn’t know what was going on. Keeping track of my cycle keeps me busy in the wait. It allows me to have some sense of control. I do understand that, ultimately, it is in God’s hands. It makes me feel better knowing that I’m doing everything I can, too. That sense of control has heightened since experiencing two miscarriages within a 3-month time frame. Ouch.

And, so here I am. At the end of cycle 7 with very little evidence that we caught an egg this month. My breasts are no longer sore, my temperature is trending downward and every pregnancy test is coming up negative. My cycle is set to start in 4 days and, while I don’t feel it coming, I also don’t feel pregnant. At all. Mentally, I’m struggling but I know – I mean I really do KNOW – that the Lord’s timing is perfect. Sometimes, though, I have to reconcile my heart with my mind and remind myself to be patience, be still, be watchful, fear not and trust God.

May God’s will be done.

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