For several reasons, TTC is not in the forefront on my mind this month. It could be because it’s our sixth cycle and I’m beginning to be distracted by other things… things I can actually control that don’t consume my mind and my time as much as the details of this journey has, so far.
It could be because my new crop of eager and motivated personal training clients is growing, slowly but surely filling my books, providing steady work hour after hour, day after day.
Or it could be that I’m consciously choosing not to think about it, in an effort to “let things flow” and not be so anal about the process in the hopes that if we “just relax and let it happen”, it will. Although, quite honestly, I’m not stressed about TTC so much as I’m determined to be successful at having another baby. There’s the part of me that thinks I have to “win” or, rather, that I refuse to “lose” and the prize at the end of this monthly challenge is a happy, healthy baby for us. It’s almost like, how can I manipulate the variables this month? What can I do different that might make the baby “stick” when, ultimately, it is totally up to God? And, it really is up to Him! And I know this all too well.
I realize that I’m just as invested in the TTC process as I am in actually getting pregnant. The ovulation testing, the pregnancy symptom spotting, the “two week wait”, the videos, the message boards, the early pregnancy testing, the start of my cycle. Or not. The positive pregnancy test “line progression” testing process, the loss of a baby, the start of my cycle.
The start. Beginning again. Going through the whole thing all over again. And again. And again until we have a live baby after a nine month gestation.
The TTC process has its perks for the logical and analytical side of my brain. However, the emotional and mental toll doesn’t outweigh those benefits so here I am in our sixth cycle and feeling ambivalent and mildly uninspired about the process.
I think the final and most important reason my head is not in the TTC game this month is because I know God will do it in His timing and, since I don’t know when that will be, all I can do is my pray and wait. So, why obsess? Why even think about it more than necessary? I do not worry. I am just impatient. There’s a difference! I know it will happen, but when? I cannot control that. And, with that knowledge, it makes absolutely NO sense to concern myself with the process any more than I need to.