My anxiety level is at a record high today. I cannot recall a time in recent or distant memory that I have felt as anxious, powerless, confused and disoriented as I do right at this very moment. I am breathing deeply. I’m reading scripture. I’m doing all the things I’m supposed to do to relax my mind and my anxiety remains sky-high. I’m not quite sure what is going on. I know I have to let it pass. Being still seems impossible. I feel like I have to keep moving, like I have to keep doing something. Talking, writing, working.
All of my anxiety is based on irrational thoughts I am having … and sadness. I miss the baby we lost. I woke up in the middle of the night with my hand pressed tightly on my pelvic area where my uterus is. I said, out loud, “I miss you, my sweet baby” and wept. Then I allowed my mind to run rampant with many thoughts that prevented me for sleeping more than 1 hour at a time. So, I’m anxious AND sleepy. Yet, there’s no time to sleep. I have bills that have to be paid and I have no idea how I’m going to make it happen. No. Idea.
I’ve read that “broke” is a mindset, that you can be a millionaire and lose it all because you still have a “broke” mindset. I wonder why I’m still struggling so hard to make ends meet. I am highly educated, intelligent, experienced, capable and reliable. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I’m pretty sure I’m struggling because I refuse to do 2 things! 1) I refuse to do anything I don’t want to do and 2) I refuse to stick to something. I have commitment issues when it comes to my career path. I am passionate about many things and they often pull me in different directions, which makes it difficult for me to commit to just one type of work. The ultimate goal is to help as many people as possible in my lifetime. The goal is to be a change agent, allowing God to use me to glorify His name and bring people closer to Him.
Right now, I believe I am being called to a ministry of support for women struggling with the the TTC process. However, I have a masters degree in exercise science and that is the type of business I run. When I could and should be learning more about my craft, I find myself reading the bible, studying verse, praying and talking to God. I feel like I’m being called to do something other than be a personal trainer. Maybe it’s not working for me because it’s not what I am ultimately supposed to be doing but, then, where we are is always where God wants us to be. But, then again, we have free choice so that might not necessarily be true. God might want us to be somewhere we are too afraid to go to so we make choices that keep us from the path we are supposed to be on?
Told y’all… I’m feeling completely anxious and confused right now. I don’t even know where I was going with this post other than to share my feelings and create a written memory of this moment in time.
Is this what grief looks like? I mean, yesterday I was totally fine. I was hopeful and confident and assured. I still believe, with all my heart, that our next pregnancy will be successful and somehow I thought that because God put that promise in my heart it’s ok to let go of the loss of our second baby. But, then, today I feel guilty for already being excited about our next pregnancy while I am still physically passing the remains of a pregnancy loss. It’s all so much to deal with right now. So, so much.
I need to give this all to God. He is the only one that can truly help me be at peace. And, I desperately need peace right now.
I’m going out for a walk…