baby, encouragement, family, patience, ttc

TTC Over 40 | Day 2: Second Chemical Pregnancy (Very early pregnancy loss)

Ok, to be totally transparent, yesterday I wrote a long blog post detailing how we found out we were no longer pregnant, the days leading up to it, how I am feeling, how the hubster is feeling and next steps… but somehow the post disappeared and, right now, I don’t have the same raw emotion that I had when I wrote it. I’m not in the same place anymore. It would be difficult to recreate it, so I won’t. It’s a new day.

So, what had happened was… this morning, I got on the blog to add a featured image and publish the post. I looked for the post in drafts and my heart sank when I didn’t see it. I thought these things were supposed to be auto-saved?!! Ugh. Yesterday was such a blur, the day before was even worse. I have no idea why it didn’t save. But, anyway, let’s move on…

We lost our second pregnancy in 4 months. It’s an early miscarriage called a chemical pregnancy because it happened before the 5 week mark and, if I hadn’t been testing or TTC, I might have just mistaken it for a late start to my cycle. Today is the second day of relatively heavy bleeding and the cramping is far milder today than it was yesterday.

I’ve been doing a lot of praying. A lot. I truly believe this second pregnancy loss happened to develop my character, to increase my capacity for compassion and empathy, to keep me humble and to prepare me to help others who are suffering.

No doubt, this experience has certainly humbled me.

At no point in this process of losing our second pregnancy have I stopped praising the Lord.

I praised Him when I saw the stark-white negative on the pregnancy test I took yesterday morning (16 days past ovulation [DPO]).

I praised Him the day before that, on 15 DPO, when I got the negative result on my urine pregnancy test at the doctor’s office.

I praised Him when I felt wetness in my pants as I was instructing a beloved client on an exercise movement.

I praised Him when I texted my love, “Just started bleeding”, and nothing more. (Side note: my hubs is the most amazing man I know. I have a whole post about him coming soon…)

I praised Him when the cramps kicked in and my joyful spirit checked out.

At no point did I stop praising God. I reminded myself that He knit me together perfectly – I am not broken (Psalms 139:13). I reminded myself that He is a compassionate Father, abundant in His mercy (Psalms 86:15). I reminded myself that His plan for me is far greater than I can imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

I am forever blessed with His provision. I am humbly blessed with fruitfulness. I know that my body can carry children. I have borne 4 robust children over the years and each pregnancy was unique but none of them were difficult. Not one. In fact, I absolutely LOVED being pregnant. I know, I’m a weirdo but it’s true. My body was made to bring forth life, 4 times over and then some.

As I stand here writing, feeling the remains of our baby leaving my body slowly and steadily, I am different than I was yesterday. I am more hopeful. I am full of more faith and love and steadfast confidence that God will give us a living child. He will prepare my womb to carry and bear more fruit. Not just one, but two more children. God put this truth on my heart yesterday and He keeps His promises (Jeremiah 29:11). He has never failed me.

Stick around for the ride. I’m so glad you’re here. Let’s be inspirations for each other.

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