There’s something to be said for the neurosis that follows the acquisition of entirely too much information and having access to tools with which to fruitlessly attempt to determine an outcome that is entirely up to God. Ugh.
I want to “blame” the hubster for my neurosis. After all, it was him who expressed cautious excitement at seeing our positive pregnancy test, which I had placed in front of a bottle of chocolate milk in his refrigerator (inside joke – more on that in another post). When he first saw the positive test he was excited and happily noted that the test line, though somewhat faint, was “way darker” than it was with our recent chemical pregnancy. But, then, being a man dubious by nature, he asked me if the test line was actually supposed to be as dark as the control line. I told him that a line is a line – we’re pregnant! And, to quell his concern, I would test again in a few days when the line would definitely be darker. He seemed to be satisfied by this response.
Fast forward to the next night at dinner when he said, “I don’t want to get excited and then you text me in two days to tell me that your period started. I don’t want to set myself up for disappointment.” I wanted to be upset but, honestly, he was responding to my anxiety-ridden suggestion that we wait until we know everything is good before we continued talking about or being excited about our baby. At the time, I was in a very anxious state of mind, having taken another pregnancy test just hours before and the positive result test line hadn’t gotten any darker. For fear of creating unnecessary worry or doubt, I chose not to tell him about the test just yet. I will test again on Monday and all will be great! (Today is Saturday.)
I really do want to “blame” him for my neurosis but the truth is that I probably would’ve arrived at this place of utter madness eventually. What neurosis, you ask? Well, the absolutely consuming, irrational behavior that is known as “progression” testing in the TTC community. Basically, I’m wasting a crap ton of money trying to judge the viability of my pregnancy by taking a pregnancy test every day to determine if the positive result test lines are getting darker. Progressively darker test lines theoretically signify an increase in hCG – or at least that’s what the ladies on the pregnancy boards say. lol I know that this is a highly unreliable method of actually and factually gauging the progression of my baby’s development but it offers me a (false) sense of security.
I’m definitely being neurotic. And wasting money. And worrying, which is not adding one second to my life and it’s pulling me out of alignment with what I know to be the truth about God. He will supply all my needs, according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). I need to be more patient and trust His timing. He is working on me!!
In conclusion, I promised my (rational and sensible) self not to test again until the beginning of my 6th week, which is 7 days from now. In the meantime I will stay busy, pray and enjoy my baby!